What's the prompt for the assignment? If you have to keep it to 300-so words, I think what you have now is pretty good. If it's going to be longer, that style is probably going to wear thin. The way the piece starts is very polarizing. Anyone who shares your opinion is going to be nodding right from the second sentence, anyone who disagrees won't even consider your view. The tone is very conversational. That's good, because it makes it easy to relate to, but it might also be bad if your teacher wants more "academic" writing. Depends on the prompt. Also, the word "and" comes up about 15 times and is the first word of sentence 3 of those times. Most of the lists are divided with "and" instead of just a comma which -- while it contributes to the conversational tone -- makes the reader (aka made me) feel berated by your point of view. Lastly, something I struggle with constantly when writing about things that are important to me is over-emphasizing my conclusions. I know my own thought process, and I can't see the assumptions I'm making, so for me, a certain phrase or claim is totally valid and stands entirely on its own. My readers might disagree. What I see here is basically "I believe X because I have decided Y based on Z, which I know from..." etc. Not a bad thing, and starting at X and working your way back can be a good way to win over recalcitrant readers... when X is something everyone can agree on. Belief in a higher power is about as far from something everyone can agree on as it gets, so I think you'd be better served starting from A (the initial observation/thought/book/whatever that got you started wondering about this) and jumping down to X with a few big, purposeful leaps.