The Writing Critique Thread

Discussion in 'The Arts' started by inexpediency, Jul 18, 2011.

  1. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    Kay guys I've been toying with a bit of an idea recently and I need an opinion.
    What would you guys say about a forum adventure that's not as interactive as the one I've got running now? Say that, instead of choosing every action and such, you instead just pick a character from a set group of (let's say for arguments sake) 5 to be the "main character" for that chapter.
    The overall story would be set and locked, but things would be influenced depending on who the audience chose to follow. Following certain characters at certain times could mean missing or revealing information, or triggering actions that would directly influence the course of the story.
    Good idea? Bad idea? Better off just writing it straight forward? What do you think?
  2. Triangle Man

    Triangle Man Cautiously Optimistic

    I think that a part of the appeal of forum adventures to people is the ability to affect events that are occurring within them. A forum adventure or comic done in this style, however, would have some appeal to it.

    Do you have a solid plotline in mind currently?
  3. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    I do, well not 'solid' but it's got a basic foundation. It's nothing I'd start until after my current adventure runs to completion (or death) so I'd have plenty of time to plot each characters movements well in advance and prepare for any turns the story might take based on who the audience choose to 'play' as. Hopefully each character would be distinct enough that people would go:
    "Okay, this is our situation, which character would give us the best/worst/funniest results?" And focus would shift, plot elements would trigger or relationships would develop based on those discussions.
    And if the story was short enough (which is unlikely when it's in my hands, haha) then going through it all again choosing different characters might be a fun option.
    I'm not sure, just toying with ideas I suppose.
  4. Triangle Man

    Triangle Man Cautiously Optimistic

    Wait, we can get Permadeaded in the Current Adventure?


    Better be more careful, then!

    And it sounds like an interesting concept. At the very least I'd mull over the kinds of things you could do with such a concept, right?
  5. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    Oh God yes!
    And there are only two safety nets in the game to save from perma-death.
    And who knows when one of them will even reactivate?

    I'll keep mulling over this other idea and see where it goes. :) Thanks for the response!
  6. Cucurbita

    Cucurbita Filled with Candy

    Oh man I would be so dissapointed if perma death happened right now, there's so much left I want to see.
  7. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    Considering we're only halfway through the first floor, I'd be pretty disappointed too.
    Not that all the floors will be this long, but still we have quite a ways to go.
  8. Cucurbita

    Cucurbita Filled with Candy

  9. Triangle Man

    Triangle Man Cautiously Optimistic

    I will be able to provide a more detailed critique later on when I'm not feeling like I'm about to die of starvation, but I will say that you've done a great job with your word choices and some of the imagery in these poems. They are quite pleasant to read.
  10. Cucurbita

    Cucurbita Filled with Candy

    Thanks! I thought my word choice was rather average, so it's nice to see you liked it, haha.
  11. Nopad

    Nopad Guest

    I've occasionally found occasion to write crappy poetry, and what's the point of writing without sharing, and what's the point of crappy without improvement, so I'll share some here maybe sometimes.

    This one I made a couple months ago, and I'm copying it here from the margin and a half of this one notebook page here exactly as it is (except i edited a couple things because they didn't look right between CODE tags).

    "'Could'" by me
    - The word.
      Make it in your mouth
        (no not like that)
    - Try again.
       This time, craft it. "Could."
             less    American?
    - Not that theres anything un-
      american about it just
    -   Take your time.
    - Use the tip of your
      mouth, not the arch of
      your tongue. Near-back.
    - "Could." Was it there? "Could." No.
      "could," try again "could" almost
      got it could could could could
      couldcouldcouldcouldcould there!
    In that mornent, it broke
    free from itself, and became
    what it is, the sound.
    c,  a spark leaps off the
        palate and onto the
    ou, can-can kicking the air
        in your mouth and it's
          not a long o but
          not a short one either
     (and not that hackneyed schwa)
        and before it reveals
        much, relishing itself,
    ld, it cuts itself off forever.
  12. Nopad

    Nopad Guest

    Oh no one commented...
  13. atomic

    atomic ⓛ̸ⓘ҉̀͝ⓣ̸҉ⓔⓡ͜ⓐ̸ⓛ͞ⓛ͡͏ⓨ ͏͡͠ ̀

    whooa that's neat :O

    i said 'could' until it didnt sound like anything

    i can't really provide an useful criticism, but i like it and it's neat :sun:
  14. Nopad

    Nopad Guest

    on senior year

    this is the last time
    i'll see the trees around back
    just begin to leaf
  15. inexpediency

    inexpediency Ruler of this [CHAT]

    been writing a bit lately

    having forgone and forgotten
    things like eat and drink
    as I worried you in my mind like
    the beads of a rosary

    (though you are much less holy,
    and made of clay)

    I went to bed hungry and hollow,
    shivering in the cold light
    of a computer screen,
    counting my naked ribs on one

    (thumbing through them like a stack of
    cards; drumming out the beat of a timeless
    waltz; speaking with my hungry heart
    as it fluttered, angry and dry
    at 1:37 a.m.

    clouds move faster in the spring, somehow,
    stirred up by the edgy wings of a seagull as it
    spins in aimless circles, purposefully,
    flying ten thousand miles to return home
    though it never really left.

    it is not yet spring in Kentucky, but
    the bluegrass springs here in neat little clumps,
    glistening in the wind the color of soft summer sunshine
    and river foam, brushing to the crabgrass and the
    ladybug, "good morning sweet, beautiful, spring"

    everything is green in spring, and fresh, and purer than
    the fountain of youth or the hushing ichetucknee--
    spring is a celebration, the songbirds decide, calling
    wildly to the goose and the gander, to the crowned heads of
    Texas, to the wandering of the

    (and meanwhile the pine and the palmetto whisper
    gently from their roots, wise women bending in
    the breeze so not to break

    and with a sigh of silent approval, the pine-woman

    The truth is, I have reached that point
    where conscience and subconscience
    mingle like cream and coffee, lukewarm,
    slick; where smooth muscle ceases to be
    smooth. I am not a good Christian, nor a
    a good citizen, nor a responsible
    stewardess of the Earth. I am not strong; I
    am not independent; I cannot piecemeal
    my soul for the sake of my fellow human,
    or even for the sake of you. I am fragile
    and afraid, selfish and horrible; I am a
    child and a woman; a bit of green amber
    lost in the sea. I am a mockingbird and
    a magpie, a naked bough shivering in the
    winter breez

    this one's kind of dumb I don't like it

    temporary, I dwell
    through deep and dewy pools--
    efflorescent water
    slipping on algaetic feet.


    I am sorry, darling, truly,
    that I cannot freeze
    or stagnate,

    and that the dizzy spinning of the stars
    will someday pull me far from here
    or else steal away my sunshine,
    and the weedy white flowers
    that dip in languid time
    across my banks.

    (it does not befit me
    to watch you grow

    but it is summer now, darling, so
    dip your toes into the pool of my love;
    (mellifluous, murmurous, taste it;)
    bathe in diamonds; let me drown; and
    I will be gone
    by morning.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2012
  16. Nopad

    Nopad Guest

    Do people want to read the one-act play I wrote for classbecause I want people to want to read it
  17. inexpediency

    inexpediency Ruler of this [CHAT]

    Just finished a rough draft of an English assignment plz read plz I want feedback plz

    It's about religion...sorta

    I am agnostic. But that’s not exactly true.

    I believe in a God, and I believe in a specific God. I believe in my God. He, or she, is, quite possibly, the same as your God. And my God is kind, and loving, and possesses knowledge beyond anything I could ever dream. My God is nowhere, and my God is everywhere. All this I believe.

    But, O Almighty Man, thou shalt not ask me to prostrate myself before thy temple of stone. I would just as soon kiss the gentle arch of the blue summer sky.

    For me, God is evident in the incomprehensible complexities of the universe. Shells and plants and hurricanes and galaxies follow the same logarithmic spiral; and the human body and all its cells are, at once, a million factories and a million worlds and one comprehensive organism.

    I see God in the double helix of a strand of DNA and in the glittering light of stars that have centuries ago expired. Every drop of rain is a line of poetry traced and erased in a single moment of time. The brightest of nature’s colors never clash. Evolution is a masterpiece that is never finished. The very universe is a work of art.

    And, after all, what do you love an artist for but their art?

    I believe that science and God are not mutually exclusive. I believe, in fact, that you cannot consider one without considering the other. Science is God and God is science, and art is science, and science is art, and God is the scientist and the artist—the orchestrator of all things; painter of atomic emission spectra; sculptor of energy and entropy. Everything I learn gives me faith, and I take faith from anywhere: from The Origin of Species or the Bible or an old volume of Cummings; from lightning and love; from the grand accomplishments of man and his ultimate insignificance—these are the miracles I believe in. And I have a hard time believing that they are no more than coincidence.

    This is something I think about a lot so it was hard for me to condense my thoughts into 300-so words. I'm worried about it being too jumpy or choppy.
  18. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    I think it flows well, in my opinion, and reads like a steady stream of thought. The jump from modern speech to the sudden 'thou' and 'shalt's is a bit jarring, but it makes sense given the context.

    It's clear you ground yourself as an agnostic theist, and you make that point well, but if there is another underlining message I'm afraid I might be missing it.

    On an unrelated note: I'm in the Chatamari Theme so it's pretty funny through the word filter.
    Haha, sorry!
  19. Varkarrus

    Varkarrus I have class


    you stole my thoughts brainthief
  20. Triangle Man

    Triangle Man Cautiously Optimistic

    It seems to be flowing well as a 'stream of consciousness' thing, but you may want to watch the switch from 'you' to 'thou'; its sudden introduction is a little jarring and you may want to consider going one way or the other.

    Also, check to see if you are using the semicolon (;) properly in that last paragraph.

    That is all for now, I may have more for you later...

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