The Writing Critique Thread

Discussion in 'The Arts' started by inexpediency, Jul 18, 2011.

  1. MadameSB

    MadameSB Hot blooded

    Could someone please read through my posts here and tell me some edits and changes to make?
    I intend to rewrite and change parts of the story, but I want some critique of it before doing all that so I know what is and is not a good idea.
  2. inexpediency

    inexpediency Ruler of this [CHAT]

    I'll try to look through it sometime tomorrow, if no one else has by that time. (My brain is a little too sleepy for it atm.)
  3. MadameSB

    MadameSB Hot blooded

    Read a bit of it myself, found I used the wrong 'there/their/they're'
    God damn past me.
  4. inexpediency

    inexpediency Ruler of this [CHAT]

    Okay, I wasn't able to get to this today, but I'll try to do it sometime soon (the weekend maybe?)
  5. MadameSB

    MadameSB Hot blooded

    Its appreciated.
    Get to it when you can.
  6. inexpediency

    inexpediency Ruler of this [CHAT]

    Okay I am DOING THIS because I'm on a writing kick right now and have lots of WRITING ENERGY

    I think I'll just do one post at a time so I can pick through it more thoroughly, or if you want me to stop after the first post, just say so.

    I don't want to spend a lot of time correcting grammar errors, so I'll just do those in red when I quote things, but you can ask me about any of it if you don't know why I changed a certain thing.

    Try to avoid starting a lot of sentences with "the". It ranges anywhere from "awkward" to "boring", depending on how often you do it, and in some cases, it's unnecessary. You don't need "the" before "lights" because, first of all, what lights? I don't know what to picture, but you're commanding me to picture it. Either leave it at "lights" or, more preferably, describe the lights in question. And speaking of descriptions, you would do well to do...more of them. All I know so far is that the night is dark and the streets are tattered--which is not a good concrete image, and also a bit of a cliché (I'm sure I've seen it before). The only good image I can see in here is "stale wind". "All that can be said" is also a cliche. Finally, the tense switch in the last sentence is awkward. Maybe you could change it to "to free himself from the restrictions that the world has forced upon him".

    Replace "await" with another word, because when you use "await", it should be "await (something)". "Await him", "await cheeseburgers", etc. "Wait" will do just fine, though it's a very bland word. "Plunge" is also very awkward here, because it implies some sort of pushing, whereas the water would be pulling. That whole sentence is awkwardly put together, because the ideas jump very choppily; try rearranging it so that it flows better. "The footsteps he takes" is awkward; try just "his footsteps". The "already broken night" thing is a nice metaphor.

    You don't need to do the "..." and say that the man is silent. Pick one or the other, or use them one at a time, but not both at once. I like where this is going, though; I'm intrigued at this point.

    "The chilled breath of someone" is an extremely awkward way to end a sentence. Rearrange or reword it. The plot is still interesting, but the lack of imagery and language is putting me off. Describe the scene in more detail to establish a tone--tension or mystery is what I assume you're going for.

    Again, imagery. Needs more of it. "Cooled fluids" is a very weak image and also very bland diction. The plot still has me interested, though, and I want to keep reading.

    Try to avoid using "that" too many times within one sentence. "...that had brought him...that many had..." It makes the sentence feel rambly because you're just kind of drifting from one clause to another. The imagery is better here, but it's still not enough. "White" is a very vague and uninteresting image, and you could do a lot better. The last bit is confusing--is he actually in Purgatory? (If so, capitalize.) Is "purgatory" an adjective here? (If so, reword it to something like "endless purgatory".)

    "Red" is a very weak and bland image, just like "white". Try to avoid basic color words like those. "Exchanged glances" is a cliché. Describe the woman in more detail.

    I'm a bit confused by the "rather than your life story" bit. Was he getting ready to tell his life story? The plot is still holding my attention pretty well, which is good.

    Overall impressions: I don't really have any criticisms plot-wise, which is a very good thing. The dialogue kept the story moving along pretty well and kept me interested throughout. Your grammar is also pretty good, but not stellar--you have a few issues with clauses, semicolons (or lack thereof), and awkwardly-arranged sentences. My main criticisms lie in the lack of detailed imagery and the blandness of the language.
  7. MadameSB

    MadameSB Hot blooded

    Ah, thank you!
    I'll get to work on my detail.
  8. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    I just had a really weird idea for a story.
    or possibly a comic.
    ...
    Remind me next time I'm drunk and posting, I'll tell you allllll about it.
  9. ky

    ky comfort eagle

    you mean you're not drunk now?
  10. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    No. I'm drinking, but I'm not drunk.
    Too depressed to get drunk.
  11. ky

    ky comfort eagle

  12. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    I wouldn't worry too much about it.
    It happens.
    A lot.
    Okay I'm going to stop drinking and whining and just play some games. Or do some work.
  13. Triangle Man

    Triangle Man Cautiously Optimistic

    Either of those options would be good.

    As well as telling us what this idea is...
  14. inexpediency

    inexpediency Ruler of this [CHAT]

    I WANT TO HEAR ALL YOUR IDEAS ALL THE TIME BECAUSE THEY ARE FANTASTIC

    /secretly AH's number one fan
  15. Triangle Man

    Triangle Man Cautiously Optimistic

    I thought I had that title?
  16. ky

    ky comfort eagle

    no i'm AH's number one fan i'm the one he makes out and plays beach volleyball with!!!!!!!

    [and don't worry about my worrying, i do that for anybody who has any kind of problem pretty much]
  17. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    :: Stupid drunken shit edited away ::
  18. ky

    ky comfort eagle

    sounds like a promising start to me, but yeah maybe you have the stuff to flesh it out and maybe you don't. that pesky middle is the hard part for me too and why i basically never write stories.
  19. Triangle Man

    Triangle Man Cautiously Optimistic

    This sounds like a highly entertaining venture, even if it's a work in progress.

    I can give you a better rundown when I'm not sleepy/slightly meloncoly.
  20. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    Oh my God.
    I made that sound so stupid.
    I could not have explained that worse if I'd set out to make it sound as bad as possible.
    :: hangs head in shame ::

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