The War on Woof: A Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Chatfic

Discussion in 'Textventures' started by NotAPumpkin, May 24, 2012.

  1. NotAPumpkin

    NotAPumpkin Game maker and tie breaker

    Alright, I was going to make a chatfic but instead I'm making this a multiple-choice story. Basically a choose-your-own-adventure, except with voting. I have sort of given roles to a bunch of people and have a vague idea where this is going, so hopefully it will be slightly more manageable than a traditional “adventure”. Hopefully.

    THE WAR ON WOOF: A CHATFIC (starring you!)

    OUR STORY BEGINS in an abandoned thread of Hidden Level. The year is 20XX; two days, six weeks, 47 seconds, and negative forty-two centuries ago, Almost Human drunken fu'd B-to-the-Andages' sorry keister out of the Hidden Level Trio of Power and Justice (the other member of which, Nix, has been missing for some time), and in a fit of power-madness and revelry enacted various bizarre and dangerous policies. Felines in any form were expressly forbidden, and cussing quickly became difficult after the blanket censoring of a certain word. pantsing dictators, amirite?

    Not to mention that every time someone says the C-word, large, vicious dogs are summoned to that loca--I mean area, which has greatly increased the death rate of intrepid reporters who are fond of describing explosively awful situations. Also, all meowbeasts, regardless of previous biological orientations, have become woofbeasts.

    The guy formerly known as the thing he was called before he became Adhesive Medical Strips has retreated to the underground of the forum, and along with a group of questionably-skilled followers, works to oppose Almond's regime. On the other side of the fence are Almonds' supporters, bent on keeping the rules no matter how nonsensical they get. There are also a bunch of people who aren't really caught up either way, because what do you think this is, some kind of ridiculous, insipid game????

    ANYWAYS, the point is that the story is starting in some dark and mysterious thread on a dark and mysterious night. There is a dark and mysterious figure lurking in the shadows.

    Who is it?

    A) Atomic

    B) Inex

    C) Ky

    D) SWari
  2. Bandages

    Bandages Dr. Stringz

    Why, it's Clearly the beloved eagle of friendship and wisdom, the fierCest of lovers, the most elegant of the avians, Kyriaki
  3. Yep, Ky sounds good to me.
  4. Triangle Man

    Triangle Man Cautiously Optimistic

    Ky it is, then.
  5. Swari

    Swari Beepy Lobster Man

    It's obvious who I'm picking...

    A. Tomic
  6. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

  7. NotAPumpkin

    NotAPumpkin Game maker and tie breaker

    DAT PROPAGANDA. Sooo cooool~

    **Note: I plan to have it so that the stuff I had planned for other people still goes on behind the scenes and/or overlaps with whoever was picked. I might put in some extra stuff outlining their adventures too if I have time.

    The figure ceases to be dark and mysterious, and instead...oh, hi, it's Ky! What a surprise.

    You are now Kyriaki, an elite avian ninja in the service of C.A.T.S. (Coalition Against Traitorous Scoundrels). Your leader, B&dages, has assigned you to sneak into the enemy's HQ. It is a cool, secretive job requiring a cool and secretive guy like you.

    At the moment you are winding your wily way towards the building in question. It's about as gaudy as it is structurally unsound, which is to say an awful lot. And it's slathered in propaganda to boot.

    Several threads away from your destination, your acute ninja sense pick up the sound of a kerfuffle going on somewhere in the vicinity. Oh boy, a kerfuffle! One of the reasons you love this job is because your favorite hobby is watching kerfuffles from the shadows. So you sneak in the general direction of this disturbance until you come across the source.

    Oh hey, it's Atomic, being drunk and ridiculous as usual. You would have at least entertained the idea of going over and saying hi if it weren't for the other party present. It's SWari, one of the higher-ups in Almond's “law-keeper” division. He is waving his lobster claws and barking a lot, getting up in Atomic's grill for wandering around in the middle of the night all suspicious-like.

    Atomic doesn't seem to be paying much attention, and carries on in his carousing.

    Welp, not much to see here. You have confidence that this clearly insignificant incident will resolve itself peacefully. You decide to continue on your merry way into the heart of enemy territory.

    Finally you have arrived at the monolithic monstrosity that is AH's lair: The Booze Building. Predictably, it is shaped like a huge beer bottle, which makes the layout pretty simple: all the important stuff is near the top, and who cares about everything else.

    Naturally, the door is guarded. It's none other than HSFE, top douchebag in AH's insane hierarchy of trousers and canine supremacy.

    So...the question remains:

    How are you going to go about this?

    A) Bluff your way in

    B) Scale the fire escape

    C) Find an underground passage
    Last edited: May 24, 2012
  8. biggs hoson

    biggs hoson ghosts need love too

    Ky: fly to the top of the building

    failing that for obvious plot related reasons; B)
  9. NotAPumpkin

    NotAPumpkin Game maker and tie breaker

  10. Triangle Man

    Triangle Man Cautiously Optimistic

    CHOOSE 'C'! CHOOSE 'C'!!!
  11. inexpediency

    inexpediency Ruler of this [CHAT]

    A bro

    gotta be dat A
  12. biggs hoson

    biggs hoson ghosts need love too


  13. I have a feeling C will lead to interesting results.
  14. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    This should still be a thing.
  15. A.
    Let's see how good Ky is at bluffing
  16. qiam

    qiam Guest

    he's a ninja, ninjas climb fire escapes

    ninjas do not try to use their charm and wits to bluff their way into a building they are ASSASSINS

  17. Tesseract

    Tesseract Regrets Choices Thus Far

    NAP hasn't logged on for 21 days
  18. qiam

    qiam Guest

    and your point is
  19. NotAPumpkin

    NotAPumpkin Game maker and tie breaker

    Well, I promised myself I wouldn't show my face around these parts until I had something to show for it, and then proceeded to not do that for a couple months and wondering why I insist on holding myself to these things.
    Also, I was busy, but that is really no excuse.

    Anyway, if anybody is still even mildly interested in reading this....


    Okay, you think that's enough standing around. You better get moving before it's freaking next year already.

    You pull out your trusty disguise kit and rifle through it a bit. Ah, there it is. This one never fails. Nobody would ever suspect a plumber.

    It's time to bamboozle that guard!

    You march confidentially up to HSFE and smile winningly. HSFE doesn't move a muscle. You wave your hand in front of his face, but he continues to stare determinedly right through you.

    “AHEM,” you say.

    HSFE acknowledges you with an expression of simultaneous annoyance, boredom, and accusation, while continuing to stare determinedly past you. “Who the hell are you.” he says.

    “It's-a-me, Kyriaki!” you say. Man your accent is so good, nobody could possibly doubt you.

    HSFE looks less than impressed. “What do you want.”

    “I'va got-a to check your-a plumb-ing,” you respond gesturing in a manner that you are fairly confident is suitably Italian. (By the way, you are wrong.)

    “Fuck off.” says HSFE, in a tone that clearly brooks no argument.

    But hey, you're not really one to take no for an answer.

    “Well how about a few...loonies?” you whisper conspiratorially.

    For the first time, HSFE actually makes eye contact. One of his eyebrows raised in an expression that most people would have read as “incredulous”. You, having exhausted all your skill points into ninja and awesome related skills, are not most people.

    “Canadian dollars.” he says, still monotone.

    “I could probably rustle up a couple hundred yen if I made a few phone calls,” you say, winking.

    HSFE's gaze returns to lasering non-literally but directly through you. He calmly raises his walkie-talkie-dealy to his mouth. “Security alert. Some idiot bird dressed as a plumber trying to get inside. Orders?”

    “Hey!” You squawk. “I thought we had a deal!”

    HSFE studiously ignores you as the walkie-talkie-thing lets out a burst of static. “Man, just get rid of him,” says whoever is at the other end.

    “You got it, BigMan,” Says HSFE, solving that short-lived mystery.

    Your dubiously wily wits kick in. “Was that your boss?” You ask.

    “Head of security,” says HSFE, cracking his knuckles.

    Even you can take a hint this big. Gotta know when to fold 'em, you think, and with a flourishing display of ninjosity, you get the hell out of there.

    Welp, plan A was a bust. But at least you got the name of the Security Chief. That's something. You guess.

    And now...




    786 flights of stairs. One bird. One ninja. One Legend.

    There is pretty much no way you are not going to gloriously succeed. Failure is not an option. Nay, failure is not even a thing that exists.

    Yea verily, you charge up the stairs.

    “AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH” you scream quietly, in a probably misguided attempt to instill fear in the stairs as you tear up the landings, probably not faster than a bullet but good enough. (Screaming Quietly, by the way, is a skill only possessed by the most 1337 of ninjas, and also Ky.)

    784 floors later, you are still going strong and your eyes are on the prize, when somebody pops their head out of the second-to-top window.

    “Oh, hey, it's you,” says TheBigMan, sounding mildly surprised.

    “AHHHHHHHHHHHH,” you keep screaming, because man, fuck him. This probably isn't very stealthy of you, but by god you are going to make it up these stairs.

    TheBigMan punches you in the beak as you go by.

    “AHHHHHHhhhh?” You say.

    Despite the fact that you are a bird (and so is your hair, as a matter of fact), the outrageous amount of SWAG you carry has rendered you unable to fly.

    There was really only one way this thing was going to turn out. And it involved practising the practical applications of the cosmic force we all know and love: gravity.

    Luckily, you land where nobody else can see you, and also you survived. The place you have landed, upon further inspection, appears to be a secret passage cunningly disguised as a wishing well from the surface.


    NOW WHAT????

    A) Be Ectocal.

    B) Keep being Ky.

    C) Be Atomic.
  20. Almost Human

    Almost Human Mightest of the Drunks Staff Member Bürgermeister

    A, Let's be Ectocal!
    For no particular reason on my part...

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